If you have read earlier posts, you know that the last decade has been filled with life-changing doubts for me. At the time the downward spiral began I thought there were good reasons for my lack of faith, but I was wrong and those reasons no longer exist. The best I can say is that I seem to have lost the ability to believe in the supernatural. Despite the best Lent of my life, I battle these doubts every single day.
Yet the blessings that have come from it are enormous.
I frequently pray to be what God wants me to be. As I mentioned in a previous post, I can be a little slow at times. I was talking to a friend a couple of nights ago when I realized that maybe these doubts are an answer to that prayer. Maybe I am exactly where God wants me to be.
Within an hour of discussing that with him, I found this at InsideCatholic.com. While it doesn't address doubts, it's a great article about the blessings of certain journeys. Much of it resonated with me. It felt like a confirmation of the conversation my friend and I had shared.
The following evening I was at Mass. The Gospel was the famous one about Jesus walking on water. Father took the opportunity to give a homily on doubts. I wish I had recorded it. Everything he said made an impact.
I need to remember that the important thing is to continue to be as obedient to God as I can, even through my darkest times. It gives me great comfort to realize that Peter was lacking even as he watched his Lord walking on water.
If he found it difficult even in the best of situations and could still become the man he did, I have hope...lots of hope.
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1 comment:
I've been going through a similar period as well. Quite a few readers recommended that I read St. John of the Cross' works on the Dark Night of the Soul, which I've heard is great for periods like this.
Thanks for your honesty and your insights!
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