Learning To Breathe

Those of you who know me are aware of my faith struggles this past decade. I've spent ten years fighting these doubts in the best ways I knew. I thought that I had done everything I could.

As Lent approached, I realized there was something else I could do. I could commit to more time at Mass.

I initially decided to attend one weekday Mass each week. Then I recalled that I had made the same decision in 2007 and didn't follow through well at all. Some of my forgetfulness about Mass attendance was because I was still deep in grief over my Mom's passing, but some, I think, was about habit.

This is why I changed my mind and decided to attend daily. It made it impossible for me to forget.

This was the best Lent of my life.

I won't give all the details at this time. I'm not sure if and when I will ever post the details (though feel free to email me.) All I can say is that a priest from my past had it right. I talked to him many years ago about my doubts. I questioned whether I should still be receiving the Eucharist. He talked to me about the graces of receiving, and literally commanded me to do this as often as possible.

I'm a bit slow sometimes. I kept going to Mass on Sunday and thought I was doing as he commanded. It took me all these years to realize that I wasn't receiving as often as possible. There was nothing to interfere with attending Mass every day.

I'm writing today because a song by my favorite band, Switchfoot, has been haunting me this past week. The song does a perfect job of explaining what Lent and beyond has been like. It's called Learning to Breathe. Lately I can't get enough of it. I still attend Mass daily, and it's one of the songs I play to prepare myself as I'm driving there.

Switchfoot sings an apt description of this past 10 years:

I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

Prior to my staggeringly large doubts, I considered my faith strong, strong enough that I thought I'd be willing to die for it. What I discovered is that in reality, too much was based on feelings and not enough on real roots.

When I fell, the darkness was as bad as it gets. Nobody who knew me would've ever predicted this journey for me.

Switchfoot then describes what daily Mass attendance has meant to me:

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Switchfoot also describes my participation in Mass:

This is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

I'm still not anywhere close to where I need to be, but I've made definite progress.

I'm Learning to Breathe.